A man was brought in to the hospital intensive care ward, put in a bed, tubes coming out everywhere.

A week later, another man was admitted, in a similar condition.

Both lay there, machines pinging, tubes poking etc. A couple more weeks before one of them had the strength to raise his hand and point to himself and say, “American.”

The other patient signaled he had heard, raised his own hand, and said, “Canadian.”

This act tired them out so badly it was a week before the first summoned up the strength to say, “New York…”

Other replied in a weedy frail voice, “Toronto…”

Once more, the strain was too much for them both and they passed out. Days passed before the first patient managed to again point to himself and say, “Michael…”

Replied the other, “David…”

A few hours later, Michael managed to point to himself again and rasp out weakly, “Cancer.”

David responded, “Sagittarius.”

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A general visits an army hospital to check on the conditions and inspire the troops.

Its WWIII, trench warfare is living hell, and the men could really use some inspiration. The general starts talking to the wounded soldiers.

He goes up to the first man and says: “What brings you in here son?”

The soldier replies: “sir, I got dysentery in the trenches, something awful.”

The general asks him: “How are they caring for you in here?” and the soldier replies: “Well sir, every day the nurses put a cool cloth on my head and they clean my behind with a soft brush.”

The general asks: “Is there anything else we can do for you?” and the soldier says: “No sir, the nurses are doing the best they can.” The general seems satisfied, thanks him for his service and moves on to the next man.

The general approaches the second man’s bed and asks: “What brings you in here son?”

The soldier replies somewhat embarrassed: “Sir, I got gonorrhoea from a woman while I was on leave.”

The general laughs and says: “It happens to the best of us son, how are they caring for you in here?” and the soldier replies: “Well sir, every day the nurses put a cool cloth on my head and they clean my privates with a soft brush.”

The general asks: “Is there anything else we can do for you?” and the soldier says: “No sir, the nurses are doing the best they can.” The general once again seems satisfied, thanks him for his service and moves on to the next man.

The general approaches the third man’s bed and asks: “What brings you in here son?”

The soldier tells him: “sir, I got strep throat in the trenches.”

The general asks: “How are they caring for you in here?” and the soldier replies: “Well sir, every day the nurses put a cool cloth on my head and they clean my throat with a soft brush.”

The general asks: “Is there anything else we can do for you?” and the soldier says: “Actually sir, there is one thing… I’d like to be the first one to use the brush.”

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Two men were walking home after a party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs.

Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

“Oh, Mister,” one of them said after catching his breath,

“You scared us half to death — we thought you were a ghost!

What are you doing working here so late at night?”

“Those fools!” the old man grumbled. “They misspelled my name!”

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Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being out late the night before.

The first man signed to his friend, “My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed and not get into trouble.”

The second deaf man signed back, “Boy, you’re lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving me hell for being out so late.”

The first deaf man asked, “So what did you do?”

The second man replied, “I turned out the light.”

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Two American men are touring Europe, and are scheduled to arrive in France Sunday afternoon.

However, they arrived several hours early, and had little to do on Sunday morning while everything was closed.

“Well,” one says to the other, pointing to a nearby Cathedral, “why don’t we attend Mass?”

“Sure,” replies his friend. “But we don’t know how the French pray and we can’t speak French!”

The first guy thinks of a solution. “We’ll pick a guy in front of us, and whatever he does, we’ll do.”

His friend agrees. They enter the church, sit close to the front, and choose a guy.

Fifteen minutes pass, and their plan is working well. Thirty minutes, no issues.

By the time forty-five minutes pass, they’ve gotten used to the routine. Suddenly, while everyone is seated, the priest says something in French and the gentleman they chose stands up. Without thinking, the two Americans stand up as well.

The church bursts into hard laughter.

Realizing that no one else is standing up, the two American men leave in embarrassment. They wait for the Mass to end, and then approach the priest, who spoke English.

“We’re well-meaning people- we don’t speak French and just chose some guy to imitate while praying,” one says.

The priest chuckles. “Ah. You’re probably wondering why everyone laughed at you.”

“Yes,” replied the other American.

“Well, you see, I announced the Baptism of a child… and asked for the father of the child to stand up.”

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