The Ranger Thought It Was an Open-and-Shut Case

A wife takes her husband, an avid amateur fisherman, out onto the lake to drift and read. She rows for a while, drops anchor, and then resumes her reading. Soon after, the park ranger appears in his motorboat.

“Good day, madam, what are you doing here?”

“I’m reading,” the woman replied.

The park ranger replied: “But you are in a zone where fishing is prohibited.”

“But I’m not fishing at all, you can see that,” the woman replied.

The parking attendant: “Well, you have all the necessary equipment with you. I’ll have to take you in and issue you a ticket.”

“If you do that, I will report you for r@pe,” the enraged woman replied.

“But I didn’t even touch you…?!”

The woman snaps back:

“Well, you’ve brought all the equipment with you!”

Lost in Translation

Two longtime friends were catching up over drinks when one finally asked, “So… how did you meet your husband?”
Her friend smiled and took a sip before answering.
“I was working at a pharmacy.”
“One day, this really confident guy walked in and asked for XXXL condoms.”
“I thought, ‘Now that’s a bold introduction.’”
“We started chatting, one conversation led to another, we fell in love… and eventually got married.”
Her friend laughed. “That’s actually a pretty romantic story!”
“Oh, it gets better,” she replied with a grin.
“After the wedding, I discovered something I never saw coming.”
“What was it?”
“He didn’t need XXXL condoms at all…”
“He just had a terrible stutter!”

Grandma Makes the Rules

I honestly thought old-school grandparents had become extinct… until I went grocery shopping the other day.
While I was walking down an aisle, I overheard a grandmother having a very serious conversation with her young grandson.
The little boy was sprinting around the store like he was training for the Olympics.
Grandma finally called out, “Boy, cut out all that running! I’m only gonna tell you ONE time!”
“If I have to tell you again… you ain’t gonna like what happens next!”
The boy stopped for a second, crossed his arms, and fired back, “I’m gonna tell my dad on you!”
Grandma didn’t miss a beat.
“Go right ahead!” she said. “That’s MY son!”
“He may be all grown up now…”
“…but I’ll still wear him out too!”
The little boy suddenly decided walking quietly beside Grandma was an excellent idea.
Some legends never retire… they just become grandparents.

She Had the Most Unbelievable Excuse in Court

While conducting some business at the Courthouse, I overheard a lady, who had been arrested for ass@ulting a Mamm0gram Technician, say “Your Honor, I’m guilty but….. There were extenuating circumstances.”
The female Judge said, sarcastically, “I’d certainly like to hear those extenuating circumstances.” I did too, so I listened as the lady told her story.
“Your Honor, I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept. I was met by this perky little clipboard carrier smiling from ear to ear and she tilted her head to one side and crooned, “Hi! I’m Belinda! All I need you to do is step into this room right here, str*p to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?” I’m thinking, “Belinda, try decaf. This ain’t rocket science.” Belinda then skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors. With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, “Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?” Fine, I answered.
I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck to finish me off? My b0dy was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other bre@st wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when I heard and felt a zap! Complete darkness, the power was off!
Belinda said, “Uh-oh, maintenance is working, bet they hit a snag.” Then she headed for the door.
“Excuse me! You’re not leaving me in this vise grip alone are you?” I shouted. Belinda kept going and said, “Oh, you fussy puppy… The door’s wide open so you’ll have the emergency hall lights. I’ll be right back.”
Before I could shout NOOOO! She disappeared. And that’s exactly how Bubba and Earl, “maintenance men Extraordinaire,” found me… standing on my tip-toes, h@lf-n@ked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass!
After exchanging a polite Hi, how’s it going type greeting, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off. Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible, “Uh, yes, I did, but thanks anyway.” “OK, you take care now” Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I’d been standing in the line at the grocery store.
Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, “Oh I am sooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?”
And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between clamps….” The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said “Case Dismissed”.