He only subscribes to his faith when it comes to issues of morality and values. “That’s why I’m reluctant to judge Garth Brooks,” said the icon, “but some things just need to be said.”

Jackson says Brooks was “never one of us.” He was, of course, referring to a well-known group of country celebrities who set the bar for the genre’s public persona. People like Jackson, Randy Travis, George Strait, and Blake Shelton. “All the good ones,” said Jackson, “Garth was never invited to our symposiums on the future of our music.”

According to Jackson, Brooks was first exposed as a member of “them” when he came out in favor of abortion rights eleventy hundred years ago. “He’s always been for killing babies,” Jackson said, “and then there’s the gays.”

Jackson is referring to Brooks and his support for gay marriage, or “marriage equality” as he calls it. “He’s gonna have a tough time come judgment day,” the singer said with a smirk.

“I’m not really all that concerned,” Brooks told ALLOD Entertainment Specialisticator Tara Newhole, “Alan’s always been a bit of a snob. He thinks Jesus is gonna save everyone but me. I’m okay with it.”

According to Jesus, none of us are going anywhere with him, because he doesn’t actually exist. “I’m just a dude who invented the dinner table,” said Christ, “Mel Gibson is the only one to ever get that right.”

Mel Gibson wasn’t available for comment. God bless America.