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A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.<\/p>\n
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00, which seemed awfully cheap.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy so little?\u201d she asked the pet store owner.<\/p>\n
The owner looked at her seriously and said, \u201cLook, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Pr0stituti0n and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.\u201d The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home, hung the bird\u2019s cage in her living room, and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, \u201cNew house, new madam.\u201d<\/p>\n
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then found it amusing.<\/p>\n
When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them enter and said, \u201cNew house, new madam, new girls.\u201d<\/p>\n
The girls and the woman were a bit offended, but then began to laugh about the situation, considering how and where the parrot had been raised.<\/p>\n
Moments later, the woman\u2019s husband came home from work.<\/p>\n
The bird looked at him and said, \u201cHi, Nick! New arrivals\u2026. want? 25% off now\u2026\u201d
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A magician had landed a comfortable job on a cruise ship.<\/p>\n
His act was rendered hilarious by his parrot who would ridicule the magician after every trick, saying \u201cBig deal, the cards up his sleeve.\u201d or \u201cHe put the ball in a hidden floor, the big faker!\u201d<\/p>\n
One night the ship began to sink and while confusion reigned, the magician was just barely able to get to a tiny life boat with his beloved parrot. For two days the magician and parrot floated on the rough seas. Strangely, the parrot sat on the opposite end of the craft just staring at the magician.<\/p>\n
Finally, on the fourth day, the parrot screamed \u201cOkay, I give up\u2026 where the hell did you put the god damned boat!\u201d<\/p>\n
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A man is trapped on a desert island with a sheep and a dog.<\/p>\n
After a few months, the sheep starts looking really attractive to the man.<\/p>\n
However, whenever he approaches the sheep the dog begins to growl in a threatening manner.<\/p>\n
The man takes the dog to the opposite side of the island giving it some food as a distraction.<\/p>\n
He runs back to the sheep only to find the dog growling at him.<\/p>\n
The man ties the dog to a tree with a large leash.<\/p>\n
He goes back to the sheep only to find the dog growling with a gnawed off leash around its neck.<\/p>\n
By now, the man is getting depressed and frustrated.<\/p>\n
As he sits under a palm tree staring out to sea, a beautiful woman in a tight-fitting wet suit emerges from the surf.<\/p>\n
She asks him who he is and, taking pity upon his lonely state, asks if there\u2019s ANYTHING she could do for him.<\/p>\n
The man thinks for a moment and then responds: \u201cCould you take the dog for a walk?\u201d<\/p>\n
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A trio of old veterans were bragging and jokes<\/p>\n
about the heroic exploits of their ancestors one afternoon down at the VFW hall.<\/p>\n
\u201cMy great grandfather, at age 13,\u201d one declared proudly, \u201cwas a drummer boy at Shiloh.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMine,\u201d boasts another, \u201cwent down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m the only soldier in my family,\u201d confessed vet number three, \u201cbut if my great grandfather was living today he\u2019d be the most famous man in the world.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cReally? What\u2019d he do?\u201d his friends wanted to know.<\/p>\n
\u201cNothing much\u2026 But he would be 165 years old.\u201d<\/p>\n
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A blonde walked into the pet store and, after looking up and down the aisles, asked the sales clerk for help.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019d like a box of birdseed,\u201d said the lady.<\/p>\n
\u201cFor which kind of bird?\u201d he asked helpfully.<\/p>\n
\u201cOh, I dunno,\u201d she replied. \u201cWhichever will grow the fastest\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
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One day an old woman walked into a shop and got some dog food,<\/p>\n
she went to pay for it and the cashier said you can\u2019t buy that dog food we need evidence that you have a dog, so she bought in her dog and she got the dog food.<\/p>\n
The next day the same old lady went to get some cat food and the cashier said you can\u2019t have that cat food we need evidence that you have a cat, so she went home and got her cat and she got the cat food.<\/p>\n
Next day the same old lady went in again and she had a box, she told the cashier to put her finger in it, so she did.<\/p>\n
She said it felt warm and soft, the little old lady then said now you\u2019re satisfied can I have some toilet paper please!<\/p>\n
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This guy was lonely, and decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.<\/p>\n
So he went to the pet store and told the owner he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house.<\/p>\n
He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink.<\/p>\n
So he asked the centipede in the box, \u201cWould you like to go to Frank`s with me for a beer?\u201d. But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, \u201cHow about going to the bar and having a drink with me?\u201d<\/p>\n
But again there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few more minutes, thinking about the situation and he decided to ask him one more time!<\/p>\n
This time, putting his face up against the centipede`s little house he shouted, \u201cHEY, IN THERE, WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO TO FRANK`S PLACE AND HAVE A DRINK WITH ME?\u201d<\/p>\n
A little voice came out of the box, \u201cI HEARD YOU THE FIRST TIME! I`M PUTTING ON MY SHOES!\u201d<\/p>\n
Comment your answer below<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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