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\nThe Ranger Thought It Was an Open-and-Shut Case<\/p>\n
\nThe Ranger Thought It Was an Open-and-Shut Case<\/p>\n
A wife takes her husband, an avid amateur fisherman, out onto the lake to drift and read. She rows for a while, drops anchor, and then resumes her reading. Soon after, the park ranger appears in his motorboat.<\/p>\n
\u201cGood day, madam, what are you doing here?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m reading,\u201d the woman replied.<\/p>\n
The park ranger replied: \u201cBut you are in a zone where fishing is prohibited.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBut I\u2019m not fishing at all, you can see that,\u201d the woman replied.<\/p>\n
The parking attendant: \u201cWell, you have all the necessary equipment with you. I\u2019ll have to take you in and issue you a ticket.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIf you do that, I will report you for r@pe,\u201d the enraged woman replied.<\/p>\n
\u201cBut I didn\u2019t even touch you\u2026?!\u201d<\/p>\n
The woman snaps back:<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, you\u2019ve brought all the equipment with you!\u201d<\/p>\n
Lost in Translation<\/p>\n
Two longtime friends were catching up over drinks when one finally asked, \u201cSo\u2026 how did you meet your husband?\u201d
\nHer friend smiled and took a sip before answering.
\n\u201cI was working at a pharmacy.\u201d
\n\u201cOne day, this really confident guy walked in and asked for XXXL condoms.\u201d
\n\u201cI thought, \u2018Now that\u2019s a bold introduction.’\u201d
\n\u201cWe started chatting, one conversation led to another, we fell in love\u2026 and eventually got married.\u201d
\nHer friend laughed. \u201cThat\u2019s actually a pretty romantic story!\u201d
\n\u201cOh, it gets better,\u201d she replied with a grin.
\n\u201cAfter the wedding, I discovered something I never saw coming.\u201d
\n\u201cWhat was it?\u201d
\n\u201cHe didn\u2019t need XXXL condoms at all\u2026\u201d
\n\u201cHe just had a terrible stutter!\u201d<\/p>\n
Grandma Makes the Rules<\/p>\n
I honestly thought old-school grandparents had become extinct\u2026 until I went grocery shopping the other day.
\nWhile I was walking down an aisle, I overheard a grandmother having a very serious conversation with her young grandson.
\nThe little boy was sprinting around the store like he was training for the Olympics.
\nGrandma finally called out, \u201cBoy, cut out all that running! I\u2019m only gonna tell you ONE time!\u201d
\n\u201cIf I have to tell you again\u2026 you ain\u2019t gonna like what happens next!\u201d
\nThe boy stopped for a second, crossed his arms, and fired back, \u201cI\u2019m gonna tell my dad on you!\u201d
\nGrandma didn\u2019t miss a beat.
\n\u201cGo right ahead!\u201d she said. \u201cThat\u2019s MY son!\u201d
\n\u201cHe may be all grown up now\u2026\u201d
\n\u201c\u2026but I\u2019ll still wear him out too!\u201d
\nThe little boy suddenly decided walking quietly beside Grandma was an excellent idea.
\nSome legends never retire\u2026 they just become grandparents.<\/p>\n
She Had the Most Unbelievable Excuse in Court<\/p>\n
While conducting some business at the Courthouse, I overheard a lady, who had been arrested for ass@ulting a Mamm0gram Technician, say \u201cYour Honor, I\u2019m guilty but\u2026.. There were extenuating circumstances.\u201d
\nThe female Judge said, sarcastically, \u201cI\u2019d certainly like to hear those extenuating circumstances.\u201d I did too, so I listened as the lady told her story.
\n\u201cYour Honor, I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept. I was met by this perky little clipboard carrier smiling from ear to ear and she tilted her head to one side and crooned, \u201cHi! I\u2019m Belinda! All I need you to do is step into this room right here, str*p to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?\u201d I\u2019m thinking, \u201cBelinda, try decaf. This ain\u2019t rocket science.\u201d Belinda then skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors. With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, \u201cHmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?\u201d Fine, I answered.
\nI was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck to finish me off? My b0dy was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other bre@st wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when I heard and felt a zap! Complete darkness, the power was off!
\nBelinda said, \u201cUh-oh, maintenance is working, bet they hit a snag.\u201d Then she headed for the door.
\n\u201cExcuse me! You\u2019re not leaving me in this vise grip alone are you?\u201d I shouted. Belinda kept going and said, \u201cOh, you fussy puppy\u2026 The door\u2019s wide open so you\u2019ll have the emergency hall lights. I\u2019ll be right back.\u201d
\nBefore I could shout NOOOO! She disappeared. And that\u2019s exactly how Bubba and Earl, \u201cmaintenance men Extraordinaire,\u201d found me\u2026 standing on my tip-toes, h@lf-n@ked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass!
\nAfter exchanging a polite Hi, how\u2019s it going type greeting, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off. Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible, \u201cUh, yes, I did, but thanks anyway.\u201d \u201cOK, you take care now\u201d Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I\u2019d been standing in the line at the grocery store.
\nTwo hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, \u201cOh I am sooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?\u201d
\nAnd that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between clamps\u2026.\u201d The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said \u201cCase Dismissed\u201d.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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