Move aside, Taylor Swift; there’s a new player in town, and he goes by the name of Oliver Anthony. Anthony’s recent concert, kept under wraps until the day before, not only eclipsed but more than doubled the attendance records set by Taylor Swift’s supposedly overrated “Eras Tour.”

Describing the event, concert promoter Joe Barron exclaimed, “It was extraordinary. We transitioned from Ted Nugent and the Chili Cookoff on Saturday to nearly a million people flooding the fairground on Sunday. Ted felt honored to be a part of it, albeit a bit embarrassed.” Expressing gratitude to Ted Nugent, Anthony addressed the crowd, acknowledging that without Nugent’s recommendation, none of them would have had the chance to savor his award-winning canned whitetail chili. Anthony proceeded to offer a prayer, read from Ezekiel 7, and performed both of his songs.

The vast crowd hadn’t anticipated the logistics of leaving, leading local authorities to speculate that some might be stranded near the center of the event for weeks or possibly months. ALLOD Journalisticator Tara Newhole commented, “With winter approaching, they might have to air-drop supplies to these individuals.” Newhole humorously remarked that she hadn’t witnessed such an abundance of overalls since Sacha Baron Cohen orchestrated the bumpkins’ rendition of “Wuhan Flu.”

Meanwhile, Anthony, situated in the heart of the chaos, took charge of the situation, implementing martial law, and halting food stamp distribution to those deemed capable of sustaining themselves if they weren’t on the brink of entering a Mad Max-esque dystopia. As we extend our hopes that some manage to escape safely to narrate this tale to future generations, let us continue to pray for America. God bless.